Is focusing on your own needs selfish—or essential?

I would self-sacrifice, become passive-aggressive and resentful, martyr myself, or shut down.

I believed my own needs and desires were selfish—and that others always had to come first.

I was wrong.

You can’t pour from an empty vessel.

Why Pinpointing Your “Most Selfish” Desires Is the Antidote to Self-Centeredness

It may sound counterintuitive, but I believe identifying and embracing your most selfish desires, wants, and needs is actually one of the kindest things you can do—for yourself and for the people around you.

This is one of life’s great paradoxes.

When we meet our needs directly and openly, in healthy ways, we avoid developing sneaky or shadowy strategies to get what we want—things like manipulation, martyrdom, victimhood, self-sacrifice, or passive-aggressive behavior.

(All of which I have absolutely done.)

Everything we do is driven by desire—whether it’s the desire to feel happier, create harmony, or make someone else happy so that we can feel okay.

Shadow and blind-spot work shows us there’s no such thing as pure altruism. When desires go unacknowledged, they don’t disappear—they go underground.

Consciously owning our desires is the antidote to the shadow side of self-centeredness.

Like most things, self-centeredness exists on a spectrum. Pride and humility can be healthy or unhealthy. Conscious or unconscious.

When we’re unwilling to look honestly at what we want, we operate from the subconscious—and that’s when our least adorable behaviors tend to show up.

When we recognize and embrace our deepest needs, we stay on the conscious, healthy end of that spectrum.

The more aligned we are with our authentic wants and values, the more grounded, magnetic, and harmonious our energy becomes.

When our inner “happiness bucket” is full—when we’re practicing self-compassion and authenticity—we naturally overflow love, presence, and generosity to others.

This is about embracing the multidimensional nature of being human—owning both our strengths and our flaws without shame.

One of the kindest things we can do for ourselves and the people we love is to be honest, open, and vulnerable about our deepest desires and needs.

When we do, we create not only greater personal fulfillment, but also healthier, more genuine relationships.

So let’s meet our needs directly.
Let’s move away from well-intentioned but suboptimal behaviors born from ignoring them.

This paradox—where naming our “selfish” needs leads to a more generous, connected life—is a key to personal evolution.

Together, we evolve out of the emotional dark ages.

If you want support pinpointing your authentic wants, needs, boundaries, and values, reach out.

If you’re navigating connection, alignment, or growth in your own life and want support, I’m here.

Together we heal.
Together we grow.
Together we evolve.

Love and gratitude,
Sandy